please leave me alone

I know this song seems out of nowhere but it’s primarily just a vent tbh and sorry if this is rambly.

I’m in one of those ruts again where I want to be left alone yet fear it
I know that my mind telling me to isolate myself is to be self-destructive but I can’t help but desire the concept of just vanishing from existence as a whole and to have never existed.

I can’t do that though, it would hurt people and I’m aware. a lot has gone into making me who I am, such as the training that med school has given me so far, or Parable, or my friends and close ones who I love with all my heart. it would all go to waste.

I can’t help but feel the pressure of having to be the most energetic and excitable. I feel like I always have to be entertaining and keep people happy, and that I cannot get burned out, yet it’s happening, and it’s happening fast.

I don’t know how to piece my thoughts or get across what I’m trying to say and frankly, this is a complete mental dump here. I’m aware many other people are going through the same thing, but every single day feels like a repeat of itself, and I’m watching people close to me also decline mentally and slowly fall into the rut I’m in, and it crushes me.

Seeing once lively and energetic loved ones slowly succumb to the mental torture that we have to endure due to current circumstances globally hurts. I feel useless and helpless. I know it’s not my battle and theirs but god I wish I could do something to help. I wish I knew a way to get them out of it and remind them of the good things life holds, yet I can’t even tell myself that.

This song is a prelude to the next album I’m planning on releasing, or a selection of songs. “only good for giving” will encompass all of the things I have felt over the last few years and how much it has shaped me because frankly the last couple years have been hell and have completely changed who I am as an individual, thankfully making me better and more self-aware, but not in an ideal way.

I apologise for this mental dump and just want to reassure you that I know I can get through this and that I’m using the help and support available, such as my friends and therapy. I just felt sharing it and telling the story behind this song was something nice to do.

If you are going through anything at all and feel like you’re trapped or lost, you have me. although everything I said above sounds incredibly pessimistic, all of these things will end soon, and we’ll be working our way towards better futures