The A-Level Cookbook

This is a side project aimed at giving A-Level students studying Biology, Chemistry, Physics, and Mathematics free revision and teaching material.I have been tutoring A-Level and GCSE students since 2018 and personally feel that all people studying deserve the same opportunities as their counterparts to achieve their future goals. Around 7% of doctors are from working-class backgrounds, and the plethora of pay-to-win-esque services such as interview preparation and high-intensity tutoring further enables this divide.The YouTube channel can be found here.A huge thank you goes to my best friends, Shahana for providing illustrations, and Hannah for the logo and branding.

Timeline: 2018

On the 13th of November 2018, I released my first album on Finity, the first label that introduced me to everyone in my realm of the underground music scene.I initially self-released "The Fall Out" and received an email from Finity, in which they showed interest in the song and wanted me to release with them. I was excited at the prospect of having my first label release and went with it, releasing "The Fall Out" as a single with them. I was then invited to their Discord server, where I met some of my now-closest friends.I worked more on singles separately until a bunch of friends of mine told me I should try working on an album. I thought it would be a good idea as I could categorise music and also try to portray a story through them that evolves as you progress through, with each song having its own piece of the puzzle. I eventually finished 13 tracks and submitted it to Finity, and it was released.

The cover art for Reminiscence

I would like to express my gratitude towards Finity and the doors they opened for me. I met so many like-minded and talented people through them and this lead to the formation of my own little circle of friends, and the Revenant and Friends Discord. From then on, I found more communities affiliated with them and met more and new people, many of which to this day I cherish and am thankful for. I also met one of my favourite people in existence called Harlow (who also makes music under the alias sunbloom, formerly known as Snow Ghost).This album is incredibly special to me, even if it might not be my best and cleanest work. If I did not accept the Finity release initially, and did not go through to make this album, I would never have met the people I have in my life today, and many things would never have come into existence such as Parable Collective and CODENAME:NIOCELL.I would also have never progressed with my production and improved. Being around the people I have met has encouraged me to continue striving to make my work better and try new things.My favourite songs from Reminiscence are Until We Fall and Downfall. Until We Fall is a song to this day that I still hold dearly to me, as it holds all the memories of how life was easier and how much happier I was. Its warm and amateur-ish sound reminds me of those times and how much I want another time like that to come round. Downfall was the first song I properly experimented with sound design in.

tracklist

1. The Fall Out
2. Ethereal
3. Recovery
4. Serenity
5. Awaken
6. Revenge
7. Resurrection
8. Downfall
9. Renegade
10. Wraith
11. Sunflower
12. Until We Fall
13. Until We Fall [VIP]

Timeline: 2019

After having release my first album, I went on to release the second. This time round I wanted to experiment more with singing and vocals as a whole. In all honesty, at this point in time I was very unsure with singing in my music. I would always grimace hearing my own voice recorded and my confidence wasn't there.I still went for it and gave it a shot with what I had. Granted my singing wasn't as good back then, I like to keep the tracks around to show how I've grown and changed over time, and the instrumentals still hold a lot of sentimental value to me.Everywhere I Go was the first song I wrote, which was initially going to be called 4am. I started it in September 2018. I was in a rough patch mentally and had lost my trust and faith in a person I held close. For me, this is where putting my emotions into music began, as cliché as that concept may seem. Insignificant was the next to follow, and as the title suggests, it was about the constant feeling of insignificance that plagued me at the time.

The cover art for Awaiting

The year of 2018 was one of my best, I met my internet friends, I was in good shape, surrounded by loving friends, and was happy and healthy. As the year tapered off and September came round, I became more restricted and felt obligated to help others before helping myself, and slowly fell into a dark rut. I felt trapped with people who would make it an expectation for me to give them all my time. I couldn't exist without being questioned left, right and centre and as time progressed, I became more and more isolated from my friends and people I wanted to be around, and the people dragging me down pulled me further. I couldn't spend time with my friends, I had to be there for these people and take on their problems alongside mine, and was guilt-tripped if I didn't.Despite the dark origins of this album, there were nice elements to it. 2019 was when I started to meet more of my close friends.I was sent a message on Soundcloud from a user named "John91" (shoutout to you, you legend). He and a bunch of his friends had started a collective called "Neovima" and said he found my profile and thought I'd fit in. To be completely honest, I thought it was a spam message, but I joined the server anyway. Little did I know I would end up meeting one of my current best friends, Alex (who goes by neume and also makes music).Alex and I bonded over a debate over whether durian (the world's smelliest fruit in my opinion) was good or not, with them being insistent that it tasted good. Eventually they joined my Revenant and friends Discord server, and they designed the Awaiting cover.A person in my server who was called "virtual riot preset" at the time also became one of my favourite people to this day. His name is Javier and we met through my friend Drakonic (who came from Finity and has helped a LOT with my composition). We played on a Minecraft server that my friends and I ran and continued on to make shitposts and memes. I can confidently say that Javier is one of the funniest people to exist and he too makes music under Dirty-WARE.

One of the most iconic gifs from the Revenant and Friends server

Around this time I became closer with other friends such as dntlkdwn, Suka, Impostor, chillyjuicebox, Flixamon, Vard and Illford. (I'm going with their aliases just in case they're not comfy with their actual names up and sorry if I haven't written your name on here, there's a lot of you and I love you all).With Awaiting, we released remixes that other producers made, and streamed our thoughts on Twitch. It was after this my friend Alex suggested that we start a label to which I said "hell no, med school is gonna take up all my time".Two weeks later I went back on that and decided we were going to start a label and I asked Alex to come up with a name and logo for our new label. They came up with the name "Parable" and we instantly fell in love with it.

The first Parable logo designed by Javier (left) and the new and current logo designed by Alex (right)

We had the Parable Discord server set up and the pages ready to go, but then I met another one of my favourite people. They made music under the alias "brvken" and are called Averie, and is one of my best friends to date. They bring new and incredibly smart ideas to the table, are unbelievably funny, sweet, open-minded and considerate, along with the others mentioned as well. We bonded over our shared love for songs with fat chordstacks and pretty soundscapes, and shared an ambition along with the other staff to showcase music from all areas of the scene and build a friendly and warm home. Along with the other staff, Averie has always been by my side, encouraging me to push myself with my music and experiment, and I cannot thank them enough for being in my life.We migrated all the users from our respective servers to Parable and since then we began, releasing music from the initial staff to kickstart what Parable is today.I cannot articulate how proud I am of all the staff who have contributed to the growth and development of Parable Collective. To be able to have founded a haven for people of all backgrounds (not just music) and to have them form memories with each other is a privilege.One of my favourite tracks on Awaiting are Everywhere I Go, as I feel it encompasses the struggles I went through at the time and the relief I feel looking back on them and no longer suffering them. Hold On To Me is another favourite as it was more playful in nature and catchy.

One of my favourite memes at the time

tracklist

1. Revelation
2. Everywhere I Go
3. Happy Accidents
4. Crystal Rain
5. Hold On To Me
6. Take My Hand
7. Insignificant
8. Neurosis
9. Adventure
10. With You
11. Everywhere I Go [VIP]

Timeline: 2019

This was an EP I released in the summer of 2019. I set out with the goal of attempting to make something more heartfelt and emotional.
This was also the EP where I challenged myself with my composition, lyric-writing and singing. Kindred Spirits was the first song ever for me to sing in a higher register, and at the time, the concept of doing so was terrifying.What made this EP possible was the help from my friends supporting me and encouraging me to push myself. Although looking back, this EP might not be my best work, I'm proud to keep it around as it shows how my music has progressed over time. One friend I would like to thank is Drakonic, someone who, to this day, still pushes me with my composition. They helped me with the piano riffs in Kindred Spirits along with the outro piano for You Heal Me, and taught me a lot of insight in music theory.

The cover art for Better Days Ahead

My favourite song on the EP is Kindred Spirits, as I feel like at the time it was the best demonstration of my lyrical skills, and that it was the first song I had ever belted on, along with it being in 3/4.

tracklist

1. Painting Flowers
2. Kindred Spirits
3. You Heal Me

Timeline: 2019-2020

Reverie's first song "Let Me Go" set the vibe for my third album's release. Initially with Reverie, I wanted to experiment with refining my sound more, attempting to make more genres and styles ranging from emo rap, to indie rock, to midtempo.Throughout the making of Reverie, I went through many different states from happiness to grief. I began writing Reverie during the summer of 2019 and had most of the tracks finished in early 2020. Throughout this timeframe I learned a lot about myself as a person, my attitudes and goals in life, and this is what changed the initial goal with Reverie and made it evolve as it was made. It went from experimenting with new genres to pushing myself to convey my messages better in my music.In late 2019, things took a dip again and I had realised that I wasn't entirely self-sufficient and that my self-esteem was quite poor. I learned that I would just live life and tolerate having such a low self-esteem and not let it bother me, which while it worked, was not healthy and I do not recommend others to do. I also ended up having a repetition of late 2018 again, with toxic people coming back into my life and holding me back. Soon again, the same cycle repeated - being isolated from my friends and losing my drive.

The cover art for Reverie

The first song I actually wrote on Reverie was "Nothing Special" in May 2019, while the rest of Awaiting was being released. I had lost some more close people to me, and with losing them, I felt like I had lost a significant part of my life with it. My mood had shot down to the point where all I could tell myself was that I was nothing special, and hence, the slogan came about. I was convinced that I was disposable and that there was nothing of worth to me. Eventually one day I'll die, I'll laugh for the last time, and I'll cry for the last time. All the small things that make me who I am, from the weird little quirks in the way I speak to how I look and feel, will all be thought of for the last time before I disappear forever. I hated the feeling of being so insignificant, something so small in the scale of the universe and time as a whole. This is still something that bothers me to this day and I want to leave some sort of mark, whether that be through being a doctor and hopefully improving peoples' quality of life, or through my music, leaving something permanent behind.Another song that means a lot to me is "Find A Way". At the time I felt people close to me drifting apart, slowly changing and losing their interest in me and what I did. Having people you confided in and could rely on to give you a piece of self-worth slowly fade hurts a lot, especially when you know it's out of your control and inevitable. I wrote the song expressing my hope for finding a way, finding some means of getting back to how things were, and having everyone happy and together just like old times. Unfortunately in life, this can't always happen and it's crucial to be able to cope with it happening and move on.I put out stems for the songs so they could be remixed and my good friend Metio created the VIP, which at the time blew my mind. His spin on the song made it even more heart-wrenching for me and I insisted we made it a track from the album, and so we did.Breathe was another song with this theme. The feeling of giving everything your all and feeling people you care about fade away hurts and makes you feel helpless, and unfortunately is something inevitable in life at times.Another song that I hold dear in my heart is Desolate. I wrote this with one of my all-time best friends Harlow, who I keep in a special place in my heart. They've supported me since the days of The Fall Out and have been someone I can tell anything to, and can confide in at all times. Listening to the song to this day gives me chills as it reminds me of how rough times were when we wrote this song, and how their additions and vocals brought me happiness.At the start of releasing Reverie, Parable Collective was just starting out, and I met some of my best friends then, who I love to pieces.

tracklist

1. Let Me Go
2. Nothing Special
3. Whole Again
4. Glimmer (feat. Shiroroll)
5. The Other Side (feat. North Sky)
6. Find A Way
7. Find A Way [VIP] w/Metio
8. Apocalypse
9. Contranym
10. Lament
11. Dystopia
12. Surreal
13. Desolate w/Snow Ghost
14. Colours
15. Everything Will Be Okay
16. Breathe
17. Fall Apart (feat. North Sky)
18. Take Me Home

Timeline: 2020-2021

I started working on this album in the summer of 2019. I've always loved indie synthpop music, and earlier in 2019 I discovered The Wombats, Gus Dapperton and Jai Wolf's album "The Cure To Happiness". I wanted to try something a little different and go down the route of guitars, lush synths and more catchy riffs while still retaining my sounds and style. I also wanted to release something more playful and fun, rather than my attempts at being serious and emotional.It started with By Your Side. I sent this song for feedback from my friend North Sky who instantly came up with the chorus of it, which I fell in love with. They finished the lyrics up and that marked the beginning of In Another Life.I then wrote Leave, and found Bighearted Kiro through Instagram. I wanted to try and find new artists from outside the underground EDM realm to introduce them to the scene along with being introduced to theirs. They wrote lyrics for Leave that I also loved and so, the song was done.One of my best friends Averie and I wrote then>now, which is now being held aside and hopefully released at a later date on my new alt project "ghost kid club". This song meant a lot to me as it was one of the few collabs Averie and I have, and it was one that had a perfect balance of both our styles.

The cover art for In Another Life

Come Alive featured vocals from Celeste Marie, an insanely talented vocalist who I discovered through another one of my best friends Skylimit. She brought the perfect vibe I wanted to encompass with the song. Skylimit himself also sang on Don't Let Me Fall, with his insane vocals making the track sound like a fusion of Bring Me The Horizon's Drown and Owl City, two artists we both love.This album also marked the first collaboration between another really good friend of mine - Benana, who is an indie-pop/synthpop/nu-disco prodigy. They are insanely talented, being able to come up with the catchiest riffs and melodies in an instant. I sent them a small guitar loop for When You're Around and they sent me back a nearly completed song, with vocals. I was taken aback because nearly finishing the whole song in a collaboration is something I'm known for doing. I polished it up and added bits and pieces and so, the track was done.

tracklist

1. By Your Side (feat. North Sky)
2. Leave (feat. Bighearted Kiro)
3. When You're Around (feat. Benana)
4. Come Alive (feat. Celeste Marie)
5. Hollow Heart w/ N33T & Snow Ghost
6. Don't Let Me Fall (feat. Skylimit)
7. Wasted Time

Timeline: 2021-2022

This was my biggest project as of 2021. This was s a 30-track album in which I share my experiences throughout 2020 and 2021. I started writing this album in early 2020, and continued throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, with the goal of pushing my production as far as possible, along with conveying the thoughts and feelings put into each song.Unfortunately the later part of the album went missing, and so, it has been partially released.Click on a song title to see more.

1. atelophobia
2. impostor syndrome
3. you're not you anymore
4. when will i be as good as them?
5. did you ever care?
6. strangers once more
7. what am i to you?
8. to feel alive
9. i want things to be the way they were
10. i gave you my all
11. you couldn't handle your feelings
12. you weren't worth my time
13. you always make yourself the victim
14. do you remember me?
15. get out of my head
16. i saw you through rose-tinted glasses
17. stay with me
18. lifeline
19. i'm human too
20. you gave me hope
21. i don't like being here
22. i can't fall again
23. please leave me alone
24. i won't let you go

Timeline: 2022-2023

I began writing 'a beautiful, yet hurtful life' in June 2021. I wanted to make something different to the previous albums and wanted to make my music more raw and heartfelt. This album will release throughout 2022 and 2023, with each song telling a different story. There will also be revisited versions of older music, told in a different light.I also began painting in early 2022, and have designed each song's cover art. The artwork depicts what I imagine when I hear each song being played.To date, this is the biggest project I have worked on, at 30 tracks, each with a painting and story of its own.The entirety of the album is tuned with A=430 Hz.

When I was very young, my mother and I would draw and paint with colouring pencils and watercolours. When I was 10, she bought me a canvas to paint on and we used to compete over who could paint the most and the best pictures. Our favourite things to paint were flowers and landscapes such as the beach. This alongside artists like Quentin Blake form the inspiration behind my paintings.

tracklist

Click on a song title to see the story behind the song.

01. leaving you made me feel alive again
02. at the end of time
03. forget me
04. our downfall
05. painting flowers ii
06. always fine, always alright
07. i'm fine with being alone
08. did you get what you wanted?
09. leave it all behind
10. i give up, you win
11. we could escape reality
12. lifeline ii
13. this is goodbye
14. kindred spirits ii
15. stop tearing me apart
16. inadequate after all
17. i don't need you in my life
18. neurosis ii
19. help me find a way to breathe
20. at what cost?
21. a lesson learned
22. i'll always be here
23. i wish i wanted to be here
24. now and forever
25. nothing special ii
26. we can watch the sky fall
27. everywhere i go ii
28. life was better with you
29. i wish life was worth living
30. a beautiful, yet hurtful life

this chapter has not been released yet.

chapter 01/30: leaving you made me feel alive again

This is the introductory song to a beautiful, yet hurtful life. This was a song I had lying on my PC for a while that I wrote during a time when I felt trapped and alone.I didn't realise how much I was being weighed down by the people I felt I was responsible for, and I felt like I had to give up everything to keep them going.Eventually, the end came, and I felt like myself again. I could wake up and be myself, unfiltered, doing whatever I wanted without the thoughts of being selfish in the back of my mind.I do not wish to hold grudges against these people, but I hope they have learned from their mistakes and know that I do not depend on them, nor do they play a significant role in my life.

chapter 02/30: at the end of time

In 2020, I lost a close family friend due to COVID-19. The last time I saw him was when he visited my family and me in late 2019. At the time I was studying for exams and didn't give him the time he needed and that was the last time I saw him.
In the past, I lost my grandparents in a similar manner.'at the end of time' is an attempt to convey how I feel now. All the work did pay off, but at what cost? I could have everything I could ever want but would lose everyone in the process.It taught me about how unfortunately anyone at any time could disappear, and that I should remember to put these people first and give them the love, time, and care they need.Everything else in this world is temporary.

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The family friend and my grandparents were some of the sweetest people that could ever have existed. They would always encourage me with everything I did, from music to my studies and would always make me feel like I was special.My paternal grandmother was the last grandparent to live, and she passed away before I got a place at medical school, something that all of my grandparents dreamt of and encouraged me to pursue. At the time of writing this, I have finished my fifth year of medical school, done well in my exams, and won a scholarship, but they're not here to see it.I wish you could see me now, I know I would've made you proud and I'm sorry I didn't give you more time. If you're out there, wherever you are, I hope you can see what I'm doing. This is all for you and I will be the best I can be for you.

chapter 03/30: forget me

I began writing this song in September 2021. while there is no direct story relating to this song, I wrote it after the summer during which I made myself raise my standards in regards to myself and the people I surround myself with.During the summer I got closer and met new people who bring the best out of me, while removing those dragging me down, and generally speaking, I felt much better and happier.Although sometimes I do feel upset that I have lost people I've known for a while, there is a reason that we are no longer in touch.

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chapter 04/30: our downfall

This is a revisitation of my song 'Downfall' from November 2018, from the Reminiscence album. The original song was about struggling to confide in people as a result of the damage from previous unhealthy relationships spilling over into future ones, and finally making the move to cut ties with them.This version's lyrics focus on the lack of remorse felt when cutting these people off, driven by pure anger. In the past when I've felt this way, immune to their manipulation tactics, I almost felt like I've become the villain in doing so. The lesson I learned is that I am not responsible for what these people do following cutting them off if they've done harm to me and that no matter what they try and say to get me to stay, I need to stand my ground.

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When hearing the song I imagine storms and trees flailing in the wind. I'm not entirely sure why I also see them through incredibly blurry lenses, hence why the artwork is poorly-defined.

chapter 05/30: painting flowers ii

This is a revisitation of 'painting flowers' from the 'Better Days Ahead' EP. This EP was one of my all-time favourite releases as it was my first step in becoming more confident with my vocals. Granted the quality of the vocals in those songs may not be up to par, but the EP still meant a lot to me as I was starting to come out of my shell.Painting Flowers was written at a time when I was relatively content with how my life was in 2019. I had just come out of a rough patch and started to feel better about myself, and learn more about what I wanted from my life. My favourite part of the original song was the string section before the drop.Unsurprisingly, the image I imagine when hearing painting flowers are flowers, however, they are yellow. Yellow is a colour I associate with feeling safe and content, and it's just very cozy to me.

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chapter 07/30: always fine, always alright

This song is about the careful balance needed between reflection and self-incrimination, the latter of which is often easy to fall into. It is a good thing to accept where things went wrong, take responsibility, and think about what would be done differently next time, however, it can be easy for that mistake to cause damage to one's self-esteem.When I hear this song, I imagine a cloudy, poorly-defined purplish environment with hands grabbing up from the ground.

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chapter 08/30: i'm fine with being alone

Throughout 2020 and 2021, I had to work on my ability to be comfortable alone, without constantly speaking to or being in the presence of other people. At its worst, I always felt like I could be doing something more useful and had a sense of 'missing out' that I wasn't spending my time with my friends doing what friends do.Although now I am quite happy doing things on my own, sometimes these feelings slip back, particularly ones about doing something more productive.When hearing this song, I imagine a tree with pinkish-red leaves. I messed up the painting on the edges, hence why it's off-centre.

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chapter 09/30: did you get what you wanted?

This song doesn't really have a serious meaning or story behind it. I made it for fun while on a call with my friends.When I hear this song, I see snowy hills.

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chapter 10/30: leave it all behind

To me, this song is a continuation of 'to feel alive' with Ben Allwright (Benana) and Scarlet Bishop. I wanted this song to be more fun and relaxed compared to the other songs in the album.leave it all behind is inspired by the kinds of music I made when I first started producing. I made a lot of nu-disco/complextro-type music inspired by Madeon and Robotaki and wanted to replicate the sound that I used to go for.When I hear this song, I hear a mixture of random warm, orangey-browny colours, and cannot put a specific picture to it. Hence, the cover art is as so.

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chapter 11/30: i give up, you win

Although the theme may be a little cliche, this song is about the awful feeling you have when someone has been unpleasant towards you and living life as if they've never done anything wrong, while you're at an all-time low.When I hear "i give up, you win" I picture a river and surrounding marshland.

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chapter 12/30: we could escape reality

The original version of this song was known as "Adventure" from my second album "Awaiting". I removed it from platforms such as Spotify, Apple Music, SoundCloud etc. because I felt like the vocals were not up to par. Since its removal, I've received many messages about where it went and where people could still listen to them."we could escape reality" is a revisitation of Adventure in a cleaner and better style, made for the people who've asked for its return. I decided to make it sound like 2016-2018-esque Porter Robinson Worlds-type music, as that style of music has shaped what I make today.When I hear "we could escape reality", I visualise two blurry and non-clear hands and an orange background with the sun glaring above.

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chapter 13/30: lifeline ii

this is a revisitation of "lifeline" from my previous album "only good for giving". I wanted to make it more in the style of an alt-rock-type song as it's the style i'm planning on making in the future.lifeline was originally written during a rough patch during the COVID-19 lockdown. it's about imagining a better life and how at the time i didn't have that.when i hear lifeline ii, i picture the sky being orange and birds flying.

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chapter 14/30: this is goodbye

this chapter has not been released yet.

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chapter 15/30: kindred spirits ii

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chapter 16/30: kindred spirits ii

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chapter 17/30: inadequate after all

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chapter 18/30: i don't need you in my life

this chapter has not been released yet.

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chapter 19/30: neurosis ii

this chapter has not been released yet.

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chapter 20/30: help me find a way to breathe

this chapter has not been released yet.

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chapter 21/30: at what cost?

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chapter 22/30: a lesson learned

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chapter 23/30: i'll always be here

this chapter has not been released yet.

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chapter 06/30: i wish i wanted to be here

This is also one of my favourite songs from the album. I stumbled across the initial looping sample on my drive and the rest of the song was made revolving around it. I came up with the vocal riff while driving and wrote the lyrics down soon after.Although the theme is cliche, this song is about feeling like I am obligated to have my stuff together and be alright and feel like I am unable to let myself falter. This is in no way shape or form anyone else's fault, but many people I know, whether recently met or people I've known long-term, tell me about how I seem completely stable and how they feel like I have my life together.This makes me feel a level of impostor syndrome as on the outside, it does look like everything is stable, however, I constantly feel like my life is fluid and constantly changing.

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I feel these feelings have stemmed from the fact I have struggled to keep people close and consistent in my life. I often find myself very goal-directed and hyperfocused on things at the expense of giving other people the attention they need. I also find myself not realising that I'm trapped with people who make my life more difficult and bring nothing but negativity. The combination of these two alongside my seemingly bad luck with general life events makes me feel like my life is unstable and that anything could happen at any given moment.Thankfully at the time of writing this, I have people who I love and adore and can count on through thick and thin. I've made sure to give them the time I should be giving, and have learned that I value companionship.When listening to this song, I imagine a beach at the sunset and the waves slowly rolling in. The loop used throughout the song sounds peaceful and content to me.

chapter 24/30: now and forever

this chapter has not been released yet.

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chapter 25/30: nothing special ii

this chapter has not been released yet.

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chapter 26/30: we can watch the sky fall

this chapter has not been released yet.

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chapter 27/30: everywhere i go ii

this chapter has not been released yet.

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chapter 28/30: life was better with you

this chapter has not been released yet.

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chapter 29/30: i wish life was worth living

this chapter has not been released yet.

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chapter 30/30: a beautiful, yet hurtful life

this chapter has not been released yet.

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atelophobia began on the 25th of April 2020 and is characterised by the feeling of never being enough. During this time period, I was stuck in a situation where I felt trapped and could not give my friends the time they deserved.Despite having caring friends and support, I felt like I was not allowed to reach out to them, distancing myself from them and feeling more and more alone. I've learned from atelophobia that I am someone who needs a sense of belonging and companionship.I felt as though my existence was a façade and that people would eventually discover that, as described by the next song 'impostor syndrome'.

impostor syndrome began on the 13th of September 2020 and is the follow-up to atelophobia. Similar to its predecessor, it describes the feeling of inadequacy, but more from the perspective of who I am being a façade.Throughout this time period, I went from moments of feeling better to moments of feeling worse. In the moments of feeling better, I would question whether the problems, to begin with, were valid or not.I've learned from impostor syndrome that what I have achieved is not due to chance that it was my doing. As well as this, my feelings are as valid as anyone else's, which is something that I have struggled to come to terms with for a while.

you're not you anymore began on the 8th of March 2021. It started as a guitar loop with drum breaks, and I had no clue where to take it. Eventually, I added a breakcore section and then contacted my good friend roix to collaborate.This song describes the time I started to sense people I held close to me were no longer who they were. Although this can be a natural progression of one's character, this song highlights how it occurred in a malignant sense. you're not you anymore describes a very difficult part in my life.I was living an idealised and false reality, seeing them through rose-tinted glasses, unable to accept that the versions of them I wanted were gone and that they slowly morphed into people that did more harm than good.I was hoping that they would change and told myself I had to just give them time. I thought that I could help them and that the reason these changes were happening was because of things I could change. I made the mistake of putting them above everything else to try and help but eventually came to terms with what they once were had faded.I've learned from you're not you anymore that unfortunately, people do change over time, and negative circumstances can make people better, but also worse. I've also realised that poor mental health is not an excuse to be unpleasant and that I do not deserve to be on the receiving end of their outbursts.

This song began in September 2020 and was inspired by my duo CODENAME:NIOCELL's song 'ARRIVAL999'.when will i be as good as them? describes the anxiety of being treated the same as everyone who came before you, despite being told you are not. The song describes how the anxieties can manifest and cause paranoia, making one convince themselves that everything positive about them has been said before to someone else who turned out to be a negative figure.I've learned from when will i be as good as them? that although history may repeat itself, there is a reason that the preceding figure is no longer in their life, but you still are.

This was a song I've had on my PC since 2018. It was inspired by artists featured on Silk Music, like Shingo Nakamura, with their old-school-sounding progressive house tunes. It was the kind of music I would listen to while studying for my exams to get into medical school.I came back to strangers once more in 2020 and re-listened to it. It reminded me of 2018, the work I put into my exams, meeting my best internet friends for the first time, making and losing close relationships, and the joy of finding out I was accepted into medical school.I contacted my friend Celeste Marie to sing on the song and she provided vocals that perfectly encapsulated the vibe I was going for.

Timeline: 2022-2023

a beautiful, yet hurtful life is characterised by the events happening throughout my life to date that have shaped me as a person. It describes how despite being perceived as someone with stability and security, my life is filled with uncertainty and fluidity.This album is my attempt at being the rawest and most unfiltered I can be, and I hope it conveys the messages embedded clearly. Also, for the long-term listeners, some old classic songs have been revamped.Click on a song title to see more.

1. leaving you made me feel alive again
2. at the end of time
3. forget me
4. our downfall
5. painting flowers ii
6. always fine, always alright
7. i'm fine with being alone
8. did you get what you wanted?
9. leave it all behind
10. i give up, you win
11. we could escape reality
12. lifeline ii
13. this is goodbye
14. kindred spirits ii
15. stop tearing me apart
16. inadequate after all
17. i don't need you in my life
18. neurosis ii
19. help me find a way to breathe
20. at what cost?
21. does it make you feel sorry?
22. i'll always be here
23. i wish i wanted to be here
24. now and forever
25. nothing special ii
26. we can watch the sky fall
27. everywhere i go ii
28. life was better with you
29. i wish life was worth living
30. a beautiful, yet hurtful life

about me

Hellooooo, my name's Ish. I've been making music since late 2017 and decided to make this site an informal diary and portfolio of what I do.At the time of writing this, I am a medical student with interests in Neurology, Rheumatology, and medical education, an A-Level Science and Mathematics tutor, a producer and vocalist, and I famously own an air fryer.I previously owned an emo meme page with 11,000 followers between 2015 and 2018 and would make meme mashups of emo songs (such as 'Welcome to the Black Parade' by My Chemical Romance and SpongeBob's iconic song 'Gary Come Home') using Audacity. I then came across a tutorial on remaking 'Ghosts 'n' Stuff' by deadmau5. I was initially mind-blown that making music in this manner was possible and downloaded FL Studio.Each album I've made has its history explained in the music section.

The ad on this sign was something I found funny but as we took the picture it changed to an ad for Capri-Sun and in all honesty, I'm not complaining

nothing special

'Nothing special' is a recurring theme throughout my music and highlights the transient nature of life and how one day, I will be thought of for the last time before disappearing forever, and the goal of my music and what I do is to try and challenge this.I like to think of each album I release as an era, describing how I've developed and changed as a person, along with telling the story of key events in my life.

other projects

In 2019, I founded Parable Collective with some of my best friends, which is a music label and community connecting people from all over the globe. Words cannot express how proud I am to say that I was involved in bringing a home to insanely talented and passionate artists.I also have a duo called CODENAME:NIOCELL with one of my best friends chris, who makes music under the alias "_chris elrik" (you guys should totally support him). We release our more experimental and chaotic music on there and started releasing music in November 2020.

CODENAME:NIOCELL & Crosswise - HORIZON 2088

In August 2021, I started another alias - "ghost kid club", which encompasses my more indie pop music, and brings a whole world of music to you guys :))

the archives

the starkeepers are the archives in which all my work and work from people close to me are stored.

contact

Please use the form for any enquiries regarding the Revenant project, playlisting, Parable Collective, or if you'd like to say hi :)

under development

under development

under development

under development

under development

under development